FANGirls: A Maximum Ride parody
by Fake Crowley
Summary: Will Fang die? Who is Dylan? Why is the model on the cover of the book blue? Find the answer to these questions in this thrilling roma-er, I mean, action novel. Yeah...action.
1. It's a trap! Chapters one through five

_**To the Reader**_

_**The Idea for ****Maximum Ride in a Nutshell come from an earlier parody of mine called, fittingly, ****Twilight in a Nutshell ****and ****Newb Moon in a Nutshell,**** which, curiously enough, also feature a character names Nary who parodies a quite despicable book series in an extremely clever and humorous way. Most of the similarities end there. Nary and the other cameo characters in Maximum Ride in a Nutshell are not the same Nary and supporting cast featured in those two parodies. This is a fan based parody of a fan based parody of a fan based parody. I could care less if you enjoy this or not, because I paid a ghost writer to write this and nobody cares if an adult writer has a crappy Youth Fiction series. **_

_"**There is an art, or rather a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." ****—****Douglas Adams."**_

_**Written by Team Omens. We don't own Fang, Maximum Ride, or James Patterson.**_

Max's standard beginning of the book Soliloquy: I'm a girl of extremes. For example, sometimes I cry a lot, like a Puppy-most scenes with Fang are evidence of that. Wait...did I just compare myself to a puppy? Aren't I too proud for that, or something? I mean, seriously. What kind of tomboy compares herself to a puppy? ...Anyways, if you mess with my cubs I'll break your frigging neck. Just warning ya. Anyhoo, I say this because right now I'm flying. Not with a plane, not hot air ballooning-speaking of which, wasn't I planning on going to the Balloon Fiesta at some point? ...Never mind. I'm flying... with wings! Dun dun duuuuuuuun. Which you'd think is redundant-you're reading book six, for Chri-crying out loud. It's not like somebody's going to smack themselves and say, "Oh, right. Maximum Ride is about bird kids. Man, I can't believe I forgot that." Unless you're reading book six first. What the hell do you think this is, Star Wars?

Narrator: Max...

Max: Yeah, yeah. Anyways, we're flying over Africa, and I have to admit, its fun as hell. For one thing, it's been a hole two hours since we were last almost killed. Bonus.

Iggy: Max? They're called _Chad._ Friggin Chad. It's like naming a whole country Bill or Ted. What idiot decided on Chad?

Narrator: The same idiot who named this novel, "Fang."

Gazzy: ...Burn.

Max: Patterson's hypocrisy aside, it's because you're an idiot, Iggy. It's not like all the people there named themselves.

Narrator: ...Did that sentence make any sense in your head? At all?

Nudge: But we named ourselves, Max!

Max: Shut up, Nudge. If I had my way, you'd still be on the submarine.

Narrator: Ain't she nurturing?

Max's soliloquy: Fang looked at me and gave me one of his half smiles-like a male version of Mona Lisa. Which is funny, because there are a few theories going around saying that Mona Lisa was actually a self portrait. Hah...I don't know why I'm telling you this. Anyways, in case you didn't read the last few books, he's hot. Uber hot. Because apparently emo guys are like that.

Fangirls: Fang is not Emo! He just dresses in pure black and never talks to anyone!

Max: *eye roll* Fine. Emo wannabe.

Angel: I know random facts!

Gazzy: I wanna see a cow. *equally random*

Max: Angel, I love you. Gazzy, Ig, you two are idiots. Shut up, both of you.

Nudge: What about me?

Max: *ignores Nudge*

Iggy: ...I didn't even say anything.

Max: Gazzy did, and you two are twins.

Iggy: Max, you do realize that I'm your age, right?

Max: Blasphemy! ...Anyways, we have to do this. Because it's helping people. And stuff.

Fang: *nods* Emo.

Max: When we were told to save the world by the voices, didn't you know that it applied to all people? We'd have to save people one at a time. Drop medical help, feed them, volunteer at the soup kitchen...this is our destiny.

Angel: I'm sucking up now to increase my chance at ruling the flock.

Iggy: ...Sorry, I missed the part where you became Little Miss Superman. _Why _is it our responsibility? There are plenty of people who can do better jobs at it-wings don't give us a major advantage. We're slower than planes, and fuel doesn't cost all that much more than what we eat. In any case, I can understand charity labour, but do you really think that dragging the younger kids along is a good idea?

Max: Wait, why are you referring to the younger kids in third person? Oh, and you're a Twit.

Narrator: Yep, folks. She's a regular Mother Teresa.

Fang: *nods*

Max: *giggle spasm* Oh, look. Enemies. Time for a dramatic fight scene!

Soliloquy: We're always dodging things-bullets, which we can apparently dodge-eat your heart out, Keanu Reeves-mutant beings, who I could refer to as Erasers but choose not to for some reasons, and vehicles owned by James Bond villains. Luckily, these turned out to be just Cargo planes.

Fang: Emo.

Max: ...Wait, what was with all that drama?

Narrator: Patterson likes to end his chapters as excitingly as possible.

Enemies: We have guns! Which Max can apparently see from several miles away, through the dust, while flying.

Narrator: *eye roll* See what I mean?

Max: Son of a!

Soliloquy: We flew upwards, dodging bullets.

Max: Iggy, you're about to get squashed by the landing gears!

Iggy: Yeah. I know. I have ears, Einstein.

Max: Meh.

Soliloquy: I looked down, concentrating on the men-Oh sweet Jeebus, are those camels they're riding?! We're done for!!! Camels!!! In about half a second, my brain processed through the following thoughts lightning fast.

Fang.

Fang

Fang

Fang.

...Yeah, you totally saw that coming, didn't you?

Narrator: Do a barrel roll!

Max: ...What?

Iggy: Heh...good one, Nary.

Max: Now it's time to use my super special power. Which apparently I have forgotten about since book two. *dives at camel men*

Camel Men: We have camels. Thus, your attack is futile.

Max: Your camels are no match for my tunnel vision! Falcon kick, mother ****ers!

Soliloquy: There were ten heavily armed assassins-no match whatsoever for six unarmed teenagers, one being blind. These guys apparently haven't ever tried to shoot moving targets before. I nicked one of the guy's camel à la Grand Theft Auto, and I was stuck on it.

Fang: Emo!

Max: Yeah, yeah...I'm coming. *flies*

Soliloquy: Yeah...So far, so good. *slicks hair back*

Narrator: Max, I don't see how people trying to kill you signify that this mission's turning out well.

Max: Shut up. Anyways, who's ready to help the Africans! Say, "Aye!"

Nudge: Aye!

Narrator: Well...aren't you Miss Enthusiastic?

Max: It's called leadership, moron.

Patrick Rooney III: My name has a roman numeral in it. You shall never be as awesome as I am.

Narrator: Indeed.

Soliloquy: We were at a refugee camp, which consisted of tattered tents and mud huts-slightly better living conditions than what we were used to. I had the two useless characters-Iggy and Nudge-doing hard manual labour, Fang was, naturally, with me, setting up medical exam stations, and Gazzy and Angel were entertaining the refugee kids. The refugee kids were simple astounded by their blue eyes and blonde hair—silly, silly, black kids, who apparently have never seen Caucasian people before—and their wings, of course. And this place really put the perspective on things. Sure, I spent the first ten years of my life being tortured nonstop mentally and physically, followed by near starvation—and sure, maybe we only have months left before our expiration dates appear on our necks, but these people were starving. Clearly, our suffering pales in comparison with theirs.

Roger: Here are some rice sacks. They each weigh sixty pounds.

Max: Psh, I can carry them.

Roger: ...Really? That's more than half your weight, and most of your weight is in your wings.

Iggy: *eye roll* She's little miss Superman, remember?

Roger: Oh. Anyways, do you speak French?

Max: No, and I don't speak African either.

Roger: ...Um.

Iggy: ...And she calls me ignorant. Ladies and Gentlemen, the girl who's going to save the world.

Soliloquy: I gave the people rice, and it was extremely upsetting! As usual, I looked at Fang.

Max: It reminds me of—so long ago—before Jeb sprung us out of the dog crates..."

Narrator: ...Poorly placed –'s and, "Dog Crates," should be replaced with, "School." Meh. It had good build up, but seemed awkward in the end. I give it a C.

Soliloquy: Seeing all the people like this-that's what was making me upset. They were still waiting to be let out of their dog cages. (See, folks? That was a metaphor! What a good writer!) Then Angel approached, her hair a bit like a halo-misleading, in her case, not helped that much by her name-leading a small girl by the hand.

Angel: Hi. This is my new toy. I call her Jeanne. Jeanne, cut yourself.

Soliloquy: ...Definitely misleading. Anyways, the girl was extremely sweet and stuff. More so than Angel, even.

Jeanne: *cuts self*

Max: Oh no! A small puncture in her hand! Stop, Angel!

Angel: :D

Narrator: ...Did she just speak in emoticon?

Jeanne: *licks finger*

Max: Oh no! Call an ambulance! Call a medic! Call Superman!

Jeanne: *heals hand*

Max: ...The hell?

Narrator: Fin.

_**Note. We here at Team Omens aren't saying that starvation, death, disease, etc. is anything short of horrifyingly depressing, and are in full support of helping those who suffer. But...come on, you have to admit that the Flock-especially the other experiments, including the Erasers-have it pretty suckish. **_

**_Anyways, I'll be parodying about...five chapters at a time, as I read through the novel. I'll do my best to do one set of five daily-I might make it more, if enough people like the parody._**


	2. Eat your heart out, Fang

_**Thanks for your reviews, everybody! Anyways, here are chapters 6-10. Odds are I'll have chapters 11-15 up today as well.**_

_**Note: Many of the jokes refer to certain events in the books that probably went unnoticed-so if you don't get something, I'd suggest going back and reading through the chapter to see why I'm saying something.**_

_**I own absolutely nothing. If you, for some reason, thought that I own Maximum Ride, I'd suggest getting help. It's called fanfiction dot net for a reason. **_

_**We begin in a dark and morbid lab...**_

Narrator: And now, the main antagonist of the series!

Max: Oh, gods...another throwaway villain with a random accent? Smashing. Simply smashing.

Narrator: Not quite...

Mr. Chu: Guess who's back, baby?

Max: ...Oh, gods...anybody but him.

Mr. Chu: Konichiwah!

Max: ...You're Japanese?

Mr. Chu: Ni hao?

Max: *inward* Count to ten, max. One, two...

Assistant: *scientific stuff*

Mr. Chu: *more scientific stuff*

Antifangirls: *squee*

Other assistant: Mr. Chu-San? You have a visitor.

Max: …You speak no Japanese whatsoever, do you?

Crowley: Nope.

Max: …You _do_ realize that he's Chinese, right?

Crowley: Maybe. You were never particularly clear about it in book five.

Mr. Chu: Hello Jeanne.

Jeanne: Um…Bonjour. Me gustan los Croissants.

Max: ...I hate you.

Crowley: Bite me.

Mr. Chu: *hands Jeanne a lollipop*

Jeanne: *noms*

Narrator: ...Insert pedophile joke here.

Mr. Chu: What was that?

Narrator: Nothing, nothing...

Assistant: *injects Jeanne with stuff*

Narrator: Anyways, blah blah blah, something about Jeanne, she gets a lot of shots, like, dozens a day, she gets a ton of other drugs, how sad for her, and...Scene transition!

Soliloquy: We did a lot of work, until dusk. Normally we're always energetic, but they decided not to feed us. It makes sense, I suppose, but it raises the question of why, exactly, they sent us in. I mean, we need to eat more for a meal than these kids eat in an entire year. It'd be cheaper to send someone else.

Patrick: Hey guys. I'm back, and awesome as ever. *hands Max bedding*

Max: Hey, Rick. Who was it that tried to kill us?

Patrick: Well, you see-

Narrator: Allow me.

Patrick: Go ahead. I'm too awesome to talk with her anyways.

Narrator: Righteous. *High fives Patrick* Anyways, they were your groupies, Max.

Max: Our...groupies?

Narrator: Yep. Random assassins who follow you wherever you go. Groupies!

Max: ...*facepalm* I'm going to go try to wash the stupid out of my brain.

Fang: Emo.

Soliloquy: We went outside. And then we made out. Just like that. So much for dramatic build up...

Narrator: Fang-1. Dylan-0. Max II-0.

Max: Wait, what?

Narrator: ...Nothing.

Fang: Romance!

Max: Hey, he isn't emo anymore!

Fang: I couldn't stand seeing you get shot at today.

Max: ...Never mind. -sigh-

Unspecified Person: Max!~ Fang!~ It's dinner time!~

Fang: ...Dude!

UP: What?

Fang: Hello? Making out? Hot chick?

UP: Oh. Sorry...

Fang: ...God.

Max: So...can we still...?

Fang: No. Just...no. The mood is ruined now.

UP: Hey, I said I was sorry...

Fang: Go to hell, Unspecified Person!

UP: *sulks*

Soliloquy: Part of me wanted to stay in there forever and forget the rest of the world, but I immediately felt guilty, thinking of the flock waiting for us outside. I was still responsible for them; we were still family. God ****ing Damn it.

Narrator: Scene transition! :D

Iggy: Pass the grubs.

Max: *hands him bowl of grubs* Yellow grubs or brown?

Iggy: ...I hate you. _So_ much.

Max: Heh...Yeah, I know. ^_^

Soliloquy: Roger, the nurse-you read that right-handed Iggy a bowl of food.

Roger: Dried fish mixed with...stuff.

Narrator: ...No comment.

Soliloquy: Fang and I were all touching and stuff. And I was thinking about him. Again.

Narrator: ...Do you ever get bored of doing that?

Max: Not really. *stares at Fang and drools*

Soliloquy: Now my face was really burning. Fang and I had dumped the younger kids-

Iggy: Oh, come on!

Soliloquy: -out in the desert somewhere. Total and Akila were off doing...whatever it is they do, and a full half hour had passed without someone trying to kill us. And we were making out. Oh, and Patterson had finally started writing the series instead of hiring a ghost writer.

Patrick: Hello, kids. You met Jeanne today, didn't you? The little girl in the yellow dress?

Max: ...I'm sorry. You memorize the names and distinguishing features of every refugee in the entire camp?

Patrick: Awesome, remember?

Max: Oh. Right. Sorry.

Angel: I can apparently read her mind, but don't know about Mr. Chu. This will no doubt be explained crappily over the course of the book, but for now the readers remain mystified.

Patrick: Yes, well, she used to have a father and four brothers. They all died agonizing deaths. Then her puppy died. Then her friends died. Then her other puppy, and the newborn kitten that she found died. She made more friends. Then everybody came back to life and died again.

Iggy: Well, at least she still has her-

Patrick: Oh, and her mothers in the process of dying.

Nudge: Oh no! So she'll be an orphan?

Patrick: Most likely. In-

Max:-I'm sorry to interrupt, but...what?

Patrick: ...Most likely?

Max: How can she, "Most likely," be an orphan? I mean, if both her parents are dead, it's pretty much a sure thing!

Patrick:-In many other countries, people live longer. But she's in Africa. So she'll die. And guess what? Jeanne is just one among thousands!

Soliloquy: The food sucks. Iggy was staring into the fire. Why am I telling you this? I honestly have no idea. Fangs black eyes with their black pupils were staring at me with dark intensity that was black, and dark. I blushed, and contemplated hiding somewhere with him to make out. Black.

Angel: Ew...anyways, Max...I hate to tell you like this, but Fang will be the first to die. And it'll be soon. So...sucks to be you.

Everyone: ...!

Angel: Pass the salt, Fang. *eats millet balls cheerfully* Hey, why do you think they call it millet?

Max:...What?!

Angel: I asked why the called it millet. I mean, is that what it's made of? Does millet mean meal?

Max: Before that!

Angel: Oh, I asked corpse boy to pass the salt.

Fang: Emo. *passes the salt*

Max: THE THING ABOUT FANG DYING!

Angel: Oh, right. Yeah. Things change. Fang is going to die. You'll have to deal with it. *puts salt on millet balls, a calculating look on her face*

Max: ...Don't you care?!

Angel: *shrugs* Not really. *starts to eat, tentatively*

Max: ...!

Angel: Bleh, I put too much salt on it...

Fang: Chill, Max. It's not important.

Max: *grabs Angel, starts throttling her* SPIT IT OUT, YOU FREAK!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!!!

Angel: *gasps* I-meant-that-my-food-was-too-salt-y-bleh. *passes out*

Fang: Max...shut up.

Patrick: Hey guys! How's the child abuse going?

Max: *throws Angel to the ground*

Nudge: Wow...what the hell was that all about?

Max: ...Did I give you permission to speak?

Nudge:*quiet voice* No ma'am.

Narrator: Suddenly, two mysterious men approached.

????: Hello, good evening. I'm a scientist with a bootylicious accent.

Readers: *groan* Again?

Patrick: Can I help you, fellow awesome person?

????: Yes, my name is Dr. Hans Gunther-Hagen. I'm a scientist. That's what I do. Science. Because I'm a scientist.

Antifangirls: *double squee*

Patrick: Heh...yeah, you're just as awesome as I am. Shall we discuss our awesomeness?

Gunther-Hagen: Maybe later. But sharing my awesomeness with the needy has been _such_ a pleasure.

Roger: Not only is he awesome, he's also a billionaire. Conveniently.

Patrick: Heh...so, can I have dinner with the leader of the bird freaks?

Max: It'd be my pleasure.

Angel: Yeah, I'll have dinner with you.

Soliloquy: Honestly, when the hell did Angel become so out of character? I mean, really.

Guthen-Hagen: No worries, I have enough awesomeness to go around...shall I introduce my protégé? He's just as awesome as I am. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce the one, the only...DYLAN!!!

FANGirls: Anger! Kill him!

Soliloquy: Oh, good gods, what a hunk...Shut up Max, you're Fang's girlfriend...holy hell, I think I just fell in love...Control yourself Max, he isn't that hot...What does he have that Fang doesn't have? Hah, yeah, Fang's way hotter. All this Dylan punk has going for him is his...extreme height, his thick, wavy dark blond hair, his incredible good looks, his...expressive, crystal, beautiful turquoise eyes, his tanned skin, his...sexiness, his incredibly physique-why can't Fang be like that?-and his...OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD ARE THOSE WINGS?

Narrator: Fin.

**___I've probably offended a few people so far, and for that I'd like to apologise. Anyways, thanks for reading. And, um...Yeah, I really have nothing else to say. But ending it like this would seem...awkward, to say the least._**

**___Spoiler alert: Fang turns out to really be an avid Twilight fangirl. _**


	3. Tis but a flesh wound

_**Crowley: Note-there seems to have been some misconception.**_

_**This series isn't intended for a specific audience. It's meant to be enjoyed by whomever read FANG by James Patterson-Be you Fan, Anti Fan, FANGirl, Antifangirl, or insane person who names themselves after a character in Alice and Wonderland. Whether you hated it, loved it, or made odd riddles whilst drinking tea, it was meant for all audiences.**_

_**I don't own FANG. I pwn Fang, but that's something else entirely.**_

_**Chapters 11-17, I think.**_

_**So...enjoy.**_

Soliloquy: ...First Angel talking about Fang dying, and now this?! Another bird kid! This is incredible! This is amazing! This is shocking! This is-

Fang: *yawn*

Max: Fang, could you _please_ show a little more interest?

Fang: *shrugs* Emo.

Dylan: Hai there. I'm awesome.

Dr. Hunther-Hagen: Well, it's been a pleasure chatting with you for the last five seconds, but it's really late, so Dylan and I had better go leave you shell shocked by his mere existence and hit the sack. Kaythanxbai. *leaves, with Dylan*

Patrick: *unphased* Well! I certainly never expected that! Did you know there were more of you?

Max: Nope.

Iggy: ...What? Max, do you have the memory of an amnesiac Goldfish?

Max: What makes you say that?

Iggy: He-_llo._ End of book one? Bird chick?

Max: Oh. Right...Shut up, Iggy.

Iggy: ...You know, I'm glad that Fang does what he does at the end of the book.

Max: ...What?!

Iggy: Nothing.

Soliloquy: At this point, I am officially weirded out by Angel. I mean, I love her, but she's starting to go higher and higher on the WTF scale. Currently, she and Gazzy are sleeping next to each other-it'd be cute if one of them wasn't the devil incarnate-

Angel: *murmurs* I heard that...

Soliloquy: And Iggy's off in a corner...sulking, or something. I've never really understood his motives-I mean, seriously, what the hell is he trying to do? He already found-and ran away from-his parents, he has no desire to save the world, he has no love interest, and his closest companion is an overly flatulent eight year old. Seriously, what the hell is his purpose? Nudge and Gazzy are in it for the protection-they're like the children of Fang and I-Angel is trying to destroy humanity as we know it, and Fang and I are trying to protect and parent the flock, but Iggy has no purpose whatsoever. Seriously, what the hell? Is he...here because of the family, or something?

Narrator: Max, shut up.

Soliloquy: It pisses me off.

Fang: Don't think about what Angel said. Remember, she's just a mind reading, mind controlling, amphibious, shape shifting, super intelligent, evil, creepy, bird kid. When has she ever been right?

Max: Fang, you're an idiot.

Fang: Besides, if she's right...well, I'm glad. It _has _to be me first. Not you.

Max: An emo idiot. Go to sleep, Fang.

Fang: Emo. *goes to sleep*

Soliloquy: ...We're all totally screwed, aren't we?

Narrator: Heh...more so than you realize, my avian friend. More so than you realize...Care to do the honours?

Soliloquy: Nah, it's your job.

Narrator: Right. Scene transition!

Text Box: What a horrible night to have a curse.

Max: Oh, god, that thing takes forever...

Soliloquy: Suddenly, I saw someone. I breathed a sigh of relief-because, apparently, I'm more paranoid about lions than I am people. Because an Eraser isn't twice as bad. It lifted its hand, though I couldn't make out a gun.

????: Hey, Max. Do you believe in teleportation?

Max: No. Why? *jumps out of tent*

????: *not there* You do now, bitch!

Soliloquy: ...Ignoring the fact that he just broke the laws of physics, I jumped fifteen feet in the air, giving him a clear shot at me. Wait...Mr. Chu? Here? But he was in Hawaii!

Narrator: Gasp! It's almost as if there's a device that allows people to travel large distances-through various, "_planes_," if you will.

Max: Shut up!

Mr. Chu: Yes...collecting the new subjects...approximately fifteen minutes...Jet Alone...suicide...leaves the Flock...Snape kills Dumbledore...

Max: The hell?

Mr. Chu: Now, come, my refugee children! I have candy in my van-er, tent!

Refugee Children: Yay!

Mr. Chu: Now...to the Chu cave!

Soliloquy: Mr. Chu led them all into a first aid kit...and none of them came out. Creepy, no? I checked inside, but there was _no one there._ Ooh...foreshadowing! And, instead of doing the smart thing and looking around for them, I went back to the tent to stare at Fang.

Fang: What's wrong?

Max: Nothing. Mmmm...Fang...*stares*

Text Box: The morning Sun has vanquished the horrible night.

Readers: The hell?

Soliloquy: Dr. Guten Tag was richer than the people he was trying to help by a long shot, and I'll be damned if he didn't flaunt it. Seriously. His tent could house most of their villages. How expensive did it look? Well, it was made up entirely of shredded and mulched Ben Franklins. This guy had no sense of trying not to offend people...at all. I stared at Angel, who gave me a smirk that would leave Damian crying. Fang told me not to get too suspicious about her-well, technically, he said, "Emo,"-but I can't help but wonder why the hell she went through such a huge personality change. I mean, seriously-in book two it was explicitly stated that she and Fang had a very close relationship. What the hell, Patterson?

Angel: Shut up, Max.

Soliloquy: ...Anyways, then the tent was opened by some lackey. That's all he does. Seriously, how rich is this guy?

Dr. Guten Tag: Come, sit. You must be hungry. I can't tell you how delighted I am to make your acquaintance. I've been following your history avidly.

Narrator: Ok, back up, back up...does anybody _seriously_ talk like that? Honestly.

Max: So, you know about Jeb Batchelder?

Dr. Gunther Hagen: Nope!

Max: ...You don't know a thing about us, do you?

Dr. Gunther Hagen: ...Ok, not really. But pretending to be knowledgeable is one of the many requirements of an evil scientist who acts nice at first but then turns out to be allies with the antagonist, if not the antagonist himself. Now, please, help yourself to this fa~bulous food.

Max: What was that?

Dr. Gungan Hater: Nothing, nothing.

Max: It wasn't nothing!

Dr. Gustavo Heinrich: Fine...er, please help yourself to this fa~bulous food?

Max: Before that!

Dr. Gundam Hazel: Oh. Right. Pretending to be knowledgeable is one of the requirements for an evil doctor.

Max: Oh. Sorry, I thought you said something about making a Freudian slip.

Soliloquy: Ignoring...whatever the hell that was, we then were given food that, I'll admit, was simply fa~bulous. Dr. Hunther Gagen went all out, and the amount he probably paid to make all this could have saved Chad, Bill, and Ted from starvation.

Dr. Gunner Hostile: I suspect you need a lot of calories.

Dylan: I do. Apparently. Despite the fact that I don't technically know how to fly, and thus have no way to burn said calories.

Dr. Guten Tag: *whispers* He exercises a lot.

Max: I can see that. *drools*

Dylan: Wassup?

*silence*

Max: So...uh, Dylan...what lab are you from?

Dylan: Oh, let me think...oh, wait. I forgot. The damned School doesn't damn well _tell_ us information that could damn well incriminate them!

Max: Wow, he's a total smart ass...I like him.

Dylan: Anyways, I was cloned from another Dylan. He died in a mysterious car crash that is in no way related to any evil organization or scientist you care to name.

Max: How old are you?

Dylan: Eight months.

Max: And how long have you been eight months?

Dylan: Since I was seven months, you twit. Damned stereotypical female archetype...anyway, I pretty much fail at everything I do. Flying, reading, killing people...I have a lot to learn.

Soliloquy: I felt really bad for him, and stuff. I mean, sure, he may be rich, incredibly good looking, and skilled at an incredible amount of things, but he had no experience at anything whatsoever. But then I realized what series I was in, and how much good trusting people has done me so far.

Teh Voice: _This isn't a trap, Max._

Admiral Ackbar: I beg to differ, my good chap.

Teh Voice: _Shut up. Anyways...hey, can I get a drumroll or something?_

Dr. Guten Tag: Sure. *starts pounding on a pair of drums*

Teh Voice: _Dylan is...your perfect half!_

Max: Nooooo! That's impossible!

Teh Voice: _Search your feelings! You know it to be-ah, to hell with this. Crowley?_

Crowley: Mmmyes?

Teh Voice: _*Punches Crowley, knocks him out*_

Narrator: What the hell did you do that for?

Teh Voice: _*smug look* Nobody makes two dumb Star Wars references in a row and gets away with it. Ever._

Soliloquy: ...Holy hell.

Narrator: Calm down, he'll be allri-

Soliloquy: I was _talking_ about Dylan being my perfect other half, or whatever the Voice said.

Narrator: Ah. Never mind, then.

Max: *chokes on bread crumbs*

Angel: Want some juice?

Max: ...You poisoned that, didn't you.

Angel: Poison is healthy. One sip of this juice and you'll never get sick-or choke on anything-ever again!

Max: ...Pass.

Doctor Gungan Hater: Do you want me to give you the Heimlich manoeuvre?

Max: Do you want me to give you the, "Smash your skull open on the table and leave you to bleed to death," manoeuvre?

Soliloquy: Dylan looked like a dozen Erasors had jumped out of nowhere, beat me senseless, and then jumped out of the novel-singing the Bohemian Rhapsody all throughout. This, ladies and gentlemen, is apparently my perfect match.

Dylan: Are you ok?

Max: *nodnod* .

Teh Voice: _Max, don't be a coward. It makes me look bad._

Angel: Speaking of changing the subject completely, if you're only eight months old, it'll take you a while to learn stuff. Maybe Max can teach you. Hint hint.

Dr. H-G: Yeah, totally.

Soliloquy: I have a bad feeling about this...Damn it, Crowley!

Max: Anyways, like what?

Dylan: Could I see-

Max: No.

Dylan: But-

Max: Just...no. Anyways, I've got to go-

Dylan: Wait, please-

Max: No, we're leaving now. Ange?

Dr. Gunther Hal: I can't let you do that, Dave.

Max: ...Damn it, he just Hal'd me. Ok, what do you want?

Dr. Gunther Hagen: It's allright. I'm doing it...**For Science!**__Watch! *injects self with needle*

Max: ...What the hell is going on?

Angel: I have no idea.

Max: ...Can't you read minds?

Angel: I can't.

Dr. G-H: Tin foil hat.

Max: Oh, son of a!

Doctor Gunther Hagen: Oh, gods, this hurts! *tons of dangerous side effects start happening*

Max: ...What the hell?

Dr. Gunther Hagen: I injected myself with a rare, dangerous disease.

Max: ...That doesn't sound very scientific to me. Just saying.

Dr. Gunther Hagen: How about this? *cuts off pinkie finger*

Max: HOLY HELL!

Angel: HOLY #$%!

Dr. Gunther Hagen: Basically, my body is communicating with itself and healing itself miraculously. Because apparently screwing with the very nature of our bodies won't have any negative side effects at all. Anyways, this'll be useful in the event that the apocalypse actually happens...somehow.

Max: Very nice, but I can't help but feel that this'll somehow backfire.

Soliloquy: He was starting to worry me.

Dr. Gunther Hagen: Yes, well, I'm a minor character with little to no contribution to the series introduced in the sixth book. Patterson wouldn't kill me off, right? ...Right?

Soliloquy: He was starting to scare me.

Dr. Guten Tag: After the apocalypse, we'll be like cave men, being hunted by dinosaurs, living in mud huts and eating raw meat.

Max: I think you're exaggerating-

Dr. Gunther Hagen: I never exaggerate! Ever!

Soliloquy: I was creeped out by him.

Dr. G-H: Anyways, I want to forge an alliance between us. Join me, Max, and together we'll save humanity, as scientist and bird freak. Or something.

Max: Thanks, but no. We've got to get going.

Dr. G-H: But together we could save the world! You six are the most successful recombinant DNA life forms ever created *dramatic look at Dylan* until now.

Max: No.

Dr. Gunther Hagen: Why not?

Max: ...To be honest, I fail to see where we fit into your little picture.

Dr. Gunther Hagen: What?

Max: How exactly would we help achieve whatever the hell it is you want to achieve? I mean, honestly. Yes, we have wings. We can fly. Iggy can feel colours, Fang can go Chameleon, and Angel can Godmod. Big effing woop. How exactly does this help with your little perfect world? Are you planning on giving our powers to people? How do you plan to do that? According to Jeb, we're randomly acquiring powers due to some freaky evolution thing. It doesn't sound like something you could easily replicate. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go Be Somewhere Else.

Teh Doctor: I'll get you, Maximum! And your little dog, too!

Soliloquy: As I walked out of there, I reflected on how much I hate needles. I don't think I can express my hatred for needles in words. If I gathered all the poets and writers in history-Shakespeare, Jonson, everyone-they would not be able to convey my hatred for needles. I wanted to help the poor refugee people, but, to be honest, I'm fed up with all the irritating plot twists being added every time I take a step. It's like Final freaking Fantasy for the drama character. Screw the refugees. We're going AWOL.

Angel: Shouldn't you have helped Dylan out?

Max: To hell with Dylan.

Angel: But he's all alone, he has nobody to teach him-he's all alone. We at least have each other.

Max: Do we, Angel? Do we all have each other? Have each other's backs? *glares at Angel*

Angel: Wow. In under a minute you've managed to turn your back on and scorn a fellow experiment, change the subject incredibly, and harass a six year old. Way to go.

Narrator: ...And they call Angel evil.

Max: Shut up, you two.

Soliloquy: We arrived at the tent, and I handed out my food to the flock. Heh...they stuffed their mouths like hungry animals. Pretty amusing to watch, actually.

Max: *looks down on the flock with superiority* Anyways, we're blowing this joint. I'm flying us all about a fourth around the world, including over the ocean. Have fun.

Flock: The hell?

Nudge: But we just got here today. Shouldn't we...I don't know. Do our job? Not waste their precious food? That sort of thing?

Max: Shut up. Veni, Vidi, Vamanous. We're out of here. Screw responsibility.

Narrator: Ain't she a great role model?

Nudge: So, are we going to help the CSM?

Max: Nope. We're going somewhere new. Somewhere different. Somewhere that we've never gone before. We're going…

Soliloquy: *dramatic look at Fang*

Flock: *holds breath*

Max: To Disneyworld. And then home.

Narrator: Will the Flock make it to their homes? What plans does Dr. Gunther Hagen have for them? Is Dylan really Max's perfect match? Will Fang die? What secret is Angel hiding? Will they spot all the hidden Mickies? Was Walt Disney really Anti-Semetic? Find out next time on the next exciting chapter of FANGirls!

_**Crowley: Anyways…Yeah, I have nothing else to say.**_

_**Spoiler Alert!!! Fang dyes his hair pink.**_

_**It still looks emo.**_


End file.
